Dear Fiona, Salma, Young Sally, Natalie, Rainbow, Neve, Ellen, Linda, Susanna, Diana, Christina, Annie, Nicki, Kathleen, Alison, Elizabeth, Shakira, Sawyer, Emilia, Felicia, Kyary, Claire, Scarlett, Emma, Keira and Kaley:

Hi ladies, my name is Abby. I’d like to say upfront that I am not famous like you gals. I want to establish a trusting relationship between the 27 of us, so honesty I figure is the best policy. What I should really say is not famous YET, because my mom thinks I’m pretty awesome, and this girl named Lauren (or Lori or Laura) I met one time after a play where I ate a quiche said I was a great comedienne (she even used the lady version with the two n’s and the e at the end, which I thought was really sophisticated. She owns a monocle, probably). But I’m not here to talk about me. I am writing to you about someone whose name you’re probably pretty familiar with by now: Roman Presnell.

I decided I’d write to you on Roman’s behalf, because, well, I couldn’t help but notice that it was way back in August, 2010 (I like to call that Roman’s Brunette year. Look at the archive pictures, and you’ll see why) that he first wrote to some of you. It’s 2013 now, and Roman is still sans a celebrity girlfriend. I don’t want to come off too strong here. I know this is a new friendship, and I don’t want to put that in jeopardy. But I think it’s pretty shitty of you guys. I mean not even a date? Really? Even Mila Kunis agreed to go to the military ball with that army dude who asked her out (Hey Roman, maybe you should try her). I know some of you are probably intimidated by the idea of going out with a piece of man like Ro man. I mean, I understand. He has his own Podcast and his own Tumblr account. But a wise woman said something, which seems apropos to the situation: The fame thing isn’t really real, you know. Don’t forget Roman is also just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.

I understand why, for some of you, it would be problematic to be Roman’s girlfriend. Like Natalie— you married that ballerina dude from that fucked up movie you won the Oscar for and now the two of you have a kid, named after a letter. Roman and I, we’re both from the South, so I don’t want to come across as championing divorce. Come to think of it, that knocks a fist full of you off the list… I should also probably check on Roman’s level of enthusiasm for being a father figure. A bunch of you ladies got yourselves knocked up recently (Cheers!). Claire, Christina, Shakira and Neve, I’m talking to you. Salma, your taste for French billionaires I will admit is understandable. But to the rest of you un-married, childless, Pinault-less hotties—what gives?

There is something else I should confess for the benefit of our burgeoning relationship. I haven’t actually known Roman all that long. In fact, we only met last night. But based on that meeting, here is a quick list of reasons why you should be his girlfriend:

1. His name is Roman. Doesn’t that just sound regal and powerful? By name alone he’d probably intimidate your friend’s boyfriends. Unless your friend’s boyfriend was named Garth or Balthazar or Othello or something. His named would also be the perfect excuse

to watch that shockingly explicit movie, Caligula. Then the two of you could giggle under the covers of the bed (his or yours) about how you can’t believe Helen Miren was in it.

2. He, like all of you, has a great head of hair. If you ever run out of things to talk about—like movies, and books, and politics and botany—you can always exchange hair care tips.

3. He likes tacos, so would probably take you to Taco Bell anytime you wanted. And he’d probably let you have one of the Dorito shell tacos, even though they’re his favorite.

There are so many more reasons, but three is the number of the gods and Shakespeare, so nodding to them, I’ll stop here. Anyway, I hope you take some of what I’ve said to heart. Please be Roman’s girlfriend.

Love and optimism,

Abby

Also, I did find this video of him singing a song with Charlyne Yi about the Academy Award-Winning film ‘Home Alone’:

Visit http://www.joehartzler.com/ to learn more about Joe’s comedy!…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCJf3Y3mzK0&feature=g-vrec